Tree Pruning, for Mother Gaea

Melbourne tree pruningYesterday was Tony and Violet’s wedding, and how wonderful it was! First they poured sand into a mug crafted from oak and elderberries, then mixed it with mead from their native Scandanavia and drank to the health of their ancestors and also the health of the Earth. And then…a dance in honour of Mother Gaea and all she provides for us, performed by me of course.

It went on for seventeen minutes with my dear companion making bird mating calls from the congregation, so I think we achieved our goal of insulting Tony’s parents to the extreme. See, Tony and Violet are from two very different families. Violet’s mother is involved in the Melbourne arborist business, which may sound strange to you since she and I are such good friends. Why, Violet was even allowed into the Great Mother Gaea Appreciation Society! With such a disgusting heritage? But no, her legacy is one of removing trees that are failing, those anchored into the ground against their will, suffering and dying with no one caring about their plight. She also does tree pruning, so whatever. In Gaea terms that’s basically a tree hairdresser.

But Tony’s parents? They own a logging company. Excuse me, I feel nauseous all of a sudden.

Hmm, yes, anyway…they do logging off in some foreign, innocent land, so Violet and the gang hatched up a perfect wedding to try to change their hearts. First there was the chalice, then the dancing, then we created effigies of our departed loved ones, called down the Earth Mother to infuse them with her spirit and burned them. The escaping fumes would be the fuel for Tony and Violet’s love, forever and ever.

Of course Violet pulled some strings in the top-class Melbourne tree pruning industry and had perfect likenesses of her and her new husband pruned out of deceased trees, who we tossed over a waterfall to symbolise the flowing current of their love. All-in-all, I think it was pretty convincing.

-Maple

Trip to the Sewer, No Biggie

drainage contractorsGetting stuck in the sewers really gives you some time to think. I’d really call it quality time, and perhaps this should be more of a thing. I know I fell in there like an idiot and couldn’t get out because of my stubby little arms that need some more time at the gym, but actually, seriously, hear me out. I had to wait until morning, and I had many profound thoughts.

Like, imagine all of Melbourne’s sewer repair people, doing their thing and having these great thoughts all the time, though maybe they’re hard at work and it’s not the same for them. There’s just something about the sewer that represents perfect desolation, like being in space but a bit lower than usual instead of higher.

What I’m trying to say is that, in the end, I shouldn’t be embarrassed about falling into the sewer, because it really was a learning experience for us all, or maybe just me. You could almost say that it was  GOOD thing that I fell in, spent sixteen hours wandering around in the dark and thinking great thoughts about drain repair and how much it really smells down there. I could give sewer tours, where nobody talks and we just enjoy the quiet. I’m not embarrassed, clearly, not at all. For one thing, I got all my Christmas shopping done…in my head. All that time to think, and I now know exactly what to get everyone I know, even the people I don’t like who won’t be getting a present anyway. How much stress is that off my mind? A lot! It’d be a lot off anyone’s mind!

So, the sewer. A wonderful place of profound thought. In fact, when the nice Melbourne drainage contractors found me wandering down there, covered in much, exhausted and pathetic, I almost didn’t want to come out. One day I’ll return. Not for a few years, though…but I totally will. You could almost say I meant to fall down there, and it’d almost be true. How about that?

-Spencer

Upgrades to the old office interior

office renovationsOh, this is just cruel. Here we sit, in the company’s Townsville division, where the coffee tastes like muddy water and the floorboards creak like a haunted mansion, and we’re having to source supplies for a company that does office fitouts in Melbourne. This is the boss’ fault. He’s such a toad, always kissing up to the upper management and taking any and all assignments, probably in the hopes of getting assigned literally anywhere else.

So now we get to look at fancy offices being redone to the point where they look like multi-million dollar companies from Silicon Valley, and we’re just sitting here. Sitting here, sadly contemplating whether the microwave will work for us today. Yesterday I brought in some minestrone soup, which honestly is one of the least complicated soups out there. I made the mistake of thinking that my microwave could handle it, but alas. This was a mistake I will not make again. Everything in this office is old and shoddy, nothing works, the floorboards are constantly threatening to eat your foot and/or drag you down into an abyss where monsters live, judging by the noise, and it’s now coming into summer so I just can’t wait to show up in a suit and tie while my cubicle turns into a slow cooker. No, it’s just wonderful meeting clients, shaking their hands and them having to wipe it off straight afterwards. Just lovely.

They look like such nice offices…and all we’re really doing is sourcing materials. I just can’t help imagining looking around at this place and wondering what it’d be like if WE had something fancy like that. Don’t think I haven’t been to the office in Melbourne, office renovations in full-swing so I could see the transformation happening in real time. That’s right. I’ve SEEN it. Their microwave totally worked and everything. I’ve seen greatness, and I’m still stuck here…

Window Shopping, but More

buyers advocateI don’t always employ services for illicit purposes…but when I do, it’s for a good reason. That good reason would namely be that it benefits me, and that’s always a good thing. That is an excellent thing, you might say.

So. Anyway. Houses interest me, specifically the insides of them. Quite often I like to summon real estate agents to look inside places, not with any intent to buy them, but just to have a sticky beak. I’ve got some spare time, THEY have time because they’re doing their job…and so it’s win-win for everyone involved. Maybe, one day, I’ll decide I actually like a place, and then everyone wins even more! But the thing is, I’ve seen so many houses that I’m not content any more. I want the big prize. I want something better.

For that, I’ll need a buyers advocate. Melbourne has an up and coming industry around them that I’ve been following for a while, with the only catch being that these people cost a bit of money. Makes sense, right? If you’re going for the BIG houses, if you want to pay the BIG bucks, you have to spend a little along the way. It’s the first rule of investing, maybe. Probably the only rule. Actually, it’s the definition of investing, which is even better.

I wonder, am I going to sink money into my hobby? Plenty of people do, so I don’t see how me doing it is really a bad thing. I could afford to pay a bit to see the inside of some really nice places, and have people advise me on whether I should be buying them. I’d be paying them for the pleasure, so really, no one is getting hurt here. The Melbourne property advocate business will thrive, and I will be one of the ones making it so. Besides…I could be super rich in the future, and then I’ll need a property advocate for real. What say you to that?

-Clive

The Answer is Always Milk

conveyancin lawyerThere’s always time for milk. People at work seem to think it’s odd that I have my own mini-fridge, just filled with milk that I drink at random intervals. That is, people who’ve never heard of calcium. People who’ve never heard of protein.

Honestly, I’m used to being judged by ignorant folks who just don’t understand. People without milk can be so bitter, probably because they have brittle bones. That’s enough to make anyone grumpy. But okay, maybe I take it a little bit too far sometimes. We have meetings with the clients, and also the conveyancing lawyers since they have to be present for the signing of the documents. And then the clients are sipping tea, the conveyancers have coffee (it just seems to be a job thing) and I’m there with my glass of milk. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s not like I’m about to start spilling it all over the clients or anything! I should try my best to learn as much as I can from these excellent Melbourne based conveyancers. It’s a field that I find rather fascinating, I could see myself giving it a try in the future. I wonder if people think I’m strange for drinking so much milk?

Milk helps me in my job, anyway. It’s full of great stuff, and unlike something like tea or coffee, milk actually fills you up. That means I can easily go without lunch more or less every day, because I’m so full of milk! Easy stuff. And when you’re dealing with houses, you really don’t want to be going about it on an empty stomach. Bad decisions can be made. Paperwork gets lost. You can advise a family to buy a haunted house, just because you want to get back to your desk and eat a sausage roll. How terrible.

Everyone needs to learn from me; conveyancing solicitors as well, because their job is even more detail-oriented. I will show you all the way of staying full, staying healthy and being an excellent housing representative. And that answer is milk.

-C.K.

Making adult decisions

polystyrene wall claddingWhen you’re in school you can’t wait for the day when you’re free and can starting living in the grown up world. What kids don’t seem to understand is school is the easy part. The growing up and having responsibility things gets real tedious, real fast. When you’re growing up I think most people take for granted their parents and all that they do. If homework and school is the only thing you have to really worry about you’ve got it easy. Adulthood hits in the face like a ice cold salmon fresh the cool waters of the Pacific ocean. You move out and things shift, slowly at first then all at once. Getting job, paying rent, paying bills, unexpected disasters, partners, babies, the list goes on. Suddenly you’re thinking back to your school days and missing the free and easy time you had. I’ve had some time to reflect on everything over the past few days laying in the hospital with broken legs. The house my wife and I purchased was a bit of fixer upper. It was easily the worst house on a great street so I figured I had made a good decision. We didn’t realise quite how bad it all was until after the auction. The house was falling to pieces.

You see, rather than get an expert to do replace my polystyrene wall cladding, I decided to do it myself. I thought I was so clever at saving all this money, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I should have gotten in touch with a rendering company on the Mornington peninsula, but instead I rolled up my sleeves and gave it a shot. All it took was a strong storm and suddenly the living room wall of my house is buckling under the weight of my botched rendering job. I can tell you this, it is not fun to have bricks fall on you. It’s nothing like the cartoons.

Life changing speeches

inspirational speakerI feel like once, just once, you’re likely to have a teacher or somebody else who stands up at school and gives a speech that blows your mind. Of course, all the odds differ person to person, but among everyone I’ve talked to, once seems to be the consensus. Some people seem to have no idea what I’m talking about, and they’re the people you can’t help but feel a little bad for. For my part, I’ve been one of the lucky ones. For me, it’s happened twice.

I remember both of them with startling clarity. The first one happened when I was fifteen. We were having an assembly at the beginning of the school year, something to get us revved up about the six months to come. At that kind of assembly, they always get the highest achiever from the last year’s final exams to come in and give a speech. Usually, it’s nothing significant. Just some fresh-out-of-school kid, a couple of years older than the rest of us, trying their hand at a little awkward public speaking. But Alice, even though it was years ago I still remember her name, Alice was amazing. She walked in wearing a fashionable, put together outfit, her hair pulled back nicely to frame her face. Her speech was incredible, she took on the role of being an inspirational speaker and just took it to a whole other level. Afterwards, we all walked out professing ‘that is what I want to be when I grow up’.

My second encounter with a life changing speech was a little different. The school had hired out this motivational business speaker to talk to us about getting our foot in the door and becoming a part of the business world. To be honest with you, looking back I don’t even really remember what exactly she talked about during the speech, but I walked out of it at the end and I had made a small decision, that led to a bigger decision, that changed the course of my life.

Life change starts in Lorne

book hotel in LorneI’m not afraid of heights, but it’s not like I want to go skydiving any time soon. I know it’s a strange choice for someone of my background but I want to try and be more adventurous. Life without spice is too depressing a thought for me, a full life is what my mother and my wife want. I’m glad that I am making all the arrangements without putting the burden on my wife.

I know that I’ll be dealing with professionals who will respect my wishes. I mean life counselors are trained to listen and advise after all. I know that I am long for this world, I’ll probably live till I’m 95, it keeps me up at night. I want to sort all this life stuff out before it’s too late. I hate the thought of having regrets, I can’t deal with the idea that I won’t be living each day to the fullest. I’m whisking my wife away for a surprise mid week holiday to Lorne. I recently saw a fantastic tv show about accommodation on the great ocean road. It’ll mean we’ll have to make up some excuse to get off work but it’ll be worth it. Neither of us really like our jobs and it’s time to make a change anyway. No regrets. I don’t want that to happen so I’ve already told my wife that I want her to join me on my adventures, she has my blessing to go crazy. I don’t know if she’ll be angry by the idea but I need her to know that her life can be so much more than it is. It’s not something that any partner wants to think about but it’s important to have that talk. We need to get out there and do crazy things sometimes like book a hotel in Lorne for a romantic holiday. I don’t know much about what happens after you make a huge life change, but I know that I want to take the chance.

Flower show nightmares

frangipanisI have promised Angelina I will escort her to this month’s flower show. She asks me every month and I always make up some excuse but this time she went through my assistant who thought I would want to spend the day with my irritating sister looking at different colour varieties of roses and various native shrub arrangements. Apparently this month, the focus is on frangipanis. Angelina is incredibly excited as frangipanis are her favourite flower and she is hoping to score some rare colour forms. I told my assistant that in the future she is to decline all of Angelina’s invitations unless they are to highly exclusive restaurants that she has gained access to via her absurdly wealthy husband. The last time I went with Angelina to the flower show she spent nearly $1000 on bougainvillea arrangements and mini fruit trees for her front garden. The woman is going to have to invest in a fresh plot of land if she continues to buy plants and flowers at the rate she currently is. Of course, money is no problem for her. In fact, she often spends hours shopping for flowers online looking for extremely rare flowering plants that she can get shipped over from exotic lands. She often spends far more on the shipping costs than the actual cost of the flower, I believe there were six figures being thrown around when she finally managed to procure an exotic bat flower from a remote island in Indonesia. I’m hoping this month’s flower expo will just be quickie, we’ll have a walk around and then get some brunch. Of course, she’ll have to get all her frangipani lulus blood flowers sent home via courier as she has already told me she plans to buy as many as she can. I am hoping she will have booked us a table at the new brunch spot opposite the flower show that has had queues round the block since it opened.

Can we talk about the office party?

corporate functions MelbourneI may be a humble provider of food service, but I know when something’s up. I always could smell trouble in the wind, like a wolf picking up a scent. I suppose I really should’ve been a detective instead of making canapes, but perhaps there’s still time. In any case, I keep my ear to the ground even when I’m serving, because you just never know what you’ll pick up, even in a place that seems as interesting as Melbourne. Corporate function rooms are simply full of news and the likes, the latest information on technology, companies going under, companies on the rise, Judy’s habit of taking parking spaces that do not belong to her. I hear that one a lot, funnily enough…perhaps the lesson here is to be wary if there’s a lady called Judy in your company who keeps eyeing your personal, private parking space as if she’s very much like to lay claim to it. Dangerous name, that is.

But…well, perhaps I shouldn’t say. I don’t often DO much with this information, mind you. I walk through all those party venues holding a silver tray and people just say what they like, as if I’m part of the furniture. Suits me just fine, and I don’t even know most of them. But there was a big fancy corporate function last night for that Lawrence Corp. You know the ones, they’re selling all that cheap, wonderful technology. I still have my mobile from 1995, thanks very much. Anyway, we were called in on short notice because the other catering company folded all of a sudden. So odd…

I didn’t partake in any of the pre-catering drinks- arthritis- but while I was serving, I noticed something very strange. It just seemed that everyone was having the same conversation. Maybe it was a hot topic, what do I know? People in function rooms across Melbourne can talk about what they like, but ALL these hundred or so people were talking about water coolers. Same thing, over and over again. They needed water cooler installation. All I can say is that the folks at Lawrence Corp love their fresh water!