Yesterday was Tony and Violet’s wedding, and how wonderful it was! First they poured sand into a mug crafted from oak and elderberries, then mixed it with mead from their native Scandanavia and drank to the health of their ancestors and also the health of the Earth. And then…a dance in honour of Mother Gaea and all she provides for us, performed by me of course.
It went on for seventeen minutes with my dear companion making bird mating calls from the congregation, so I think we achieved our goal of insulting Tony’s parents to the extreme. See, Tony and Violet are from two very different families. Violet’s mother is involved in the Melbourne arborist business, which may sound strange to you since she and I are such good friends. Why, Violet was even allowed into the Great Mother Gaea Appreciation Society! With such a disgusting heritage? But no, her legacy is one of removing trees that are failing, those anchored into the ground against their will, suffering and dying with no one caring about their plight. She also does tree pruning, so whatever. In Gaea terms that’s basically a tree hairdresser.
But Tony’s parents? They own a logging company. Excuse me, I feel nauseous all of a sudden.
Hmm, yes, anyway…they do logging off in some foreign, innocent land, so Violet and the gang hatched up a perfect wedding to try to change their hearts. First there was the chalice, then the dancing, then we created effigies of our departed loved ones, called down the Earth Mother to infuse them with her spirit and burned them. The escaping fumes would be the fuel for Tony and Violet’s love, forever and ever.
Of course Violet pulled some strings in the top-class Melbourne tree pruning industry and had perfect likenesses of her and her new husband pruned out of deceased trees, who we tossed over a waterfall to symbolise the flowing current of their love. All-in-all, I think it was pretty convincing.