Category: Trees

Hey Dad,

So, the folks here must be ‘avin a laugh. They all think I’m from London, because no one here has heard of, like…anything above that. Because all of England is London, ey oop?

Honestly, people here know less than me mates Terry and Barry, and Terry and Barry are right numpties. One comedian even tried to say somethin’ to me about fish and chips and I asked him, I said right to ‘is face, are you avin’ a laugh? You ‘avin a giggle there, mate? I’ll bash yer ‘ead in, I’ll smack ye in the gabber, I swear on me mum!

At least I get to so somethin’ a little more up my street, which is tree pruning. Melbourne lads, they’re a right lark with a chainsaw and a plate ‘o beans, just hacking all day long and getting’ rid of them trees. You even get the emergency lot, drivin’ in on them big trucks with their fancy equipment. First day I dunno what I’m lookin’ at, so I say to them, I says ‘what you got all this palava for?’, and they guy says somethin’ in Aussie, don’t really get it, but it looks like all the tree loppers ‘ave it around here, so they can chop down them trees. And of course I’m all like ‘ahh, way! You avin’ a laugh?’ and they don’t know what that meant, not ‘cause they’re a bit thick, but they don’t have much of a clue when it comes to stuff outside Melbourne. Dunno why, since I get what they’re saying just fine.

This tree trimming is a right lark, and you see all types in the job from the teens to the auld fellas. The boss is a good fella, lets is go home early if we’re up the trot. So I’m all like ‘belter, boss, right in!’ and he looks at me funny an’ I’m proper devo’d. I think I’m getting a lot of that, to be honest. Maybe I need to talk a bit more like one ‘o them?

So long as I know them specific Melbourne tree trimming terms, I’m well in. Anyway, say ‘ello to me Gran next time you visit the county jail, and tell ‘er she still owes me a tenner, the old bat.

-Barry

Yesterday was Tony and Violet’s wedding, and how wonderful it was! First they poured sand into a mug crafted from oak and elderberries, then mixed it with mead from their native Scandanavia and drank to the health of their ancestors and also the health of the Earth. And then…a dance in honour of Mother Gaea and all she provides for us, performed by me of course.

It went on for seventeen minutes with my dear companion making bird mating calls from the congregation, so I think we achieved our goal of insulting Tony’s parents to the extreme. See, Tony and Violet are from two very different families. Violet’s mother is involved in the Melbourne arborist business, which may sound strange to you since she and I are such good friends. Why, Violet was even allowed into the Great Mother Gaea Appreciation Society! With such a disgusting heritage? But no, her legacy is one of removing trees that are failing, those anchored into the ground against their will, suffering and dying with no one caring about their plight. She also does tree pruning, so whatever. In Gaea terms that’s basically a tree hairdresser.

But Tony’s parents? They own a logging company. Excuse me, I feel nauseous all of a sudden.

Hmm, yes, anyway…they do logging off in some foreign, innocent land, so Violet and the gang hatched up a perfect wedding to try to change their hearts. First there was the chalice, then the dancing, then we created effigies of our departed loved ones, called down the Earth Mother to infuse them with her spirit and burned them. The escaping fumes would be the fuel for Tony and Violet’s love, forever and ever.

Of course Violet pulled some strings in the top-class Melbourne tree pruning industry and had perfect likenesses of her and her new husband pruned out of deceased trees, who we tossed over a waterfall to symbolise the flowing current of their love. All-in-all, I think it was pretty convincing.

-Maple