No one gets me. I know a lot of teenagers say that, but with me, it’s the truth. They might understand a bit more if they agreed to follow me on Bumblr, where I post all my awesome fan theories and fan-fiction where I fall through a magic portal into the fictional worlds I love and have awesome adventures and gain cool powers and everyone loves me. Ugh, it’s like, the only place people actually love me.
I know I’m destined to do some amazing job and not just work in the supermarket like my lame parents. I don’t care if they own the place, it’s still lame telling my friends what my parents do. That’s why I say they’re both screenwriters and change the subject if anyone asks what they actually write. Me? I’m going corporate. Like, a top-class Melbourne conveyancer person. We just had one of them come to our school for careers day and I was all like ‘yep, this is it’. I’m super good with words on paper but not in real life, so being a real estate agent and showing people around houses wouldn’t be a good fit for me. Doing all the paperwork in terms of transferring that house? Oh, now THAT I can do.
I mean, it’s a distant second career to being a teacher at the Evil Monster Hunting Academy, from the series Evil Monster Hunting Academy. I once wrote a fanfic where I got a job there and all the hottest teen guys were like ‘hey, you’re so young, and pretty, and we should hunt monsters together’ but then Chad Angel, the main character of the series, was all like ‘back off guys…she’s mine’.
Ugh, swoon. So yeah, nothing will be as glam. But I feel like as a conveyancer I could work my way up, found my own company and eventually maybe own most of Melbourne’s real estate in…like, five years? Then when I’m a rich investor I can PAY people to follow me on Bumblr. They’ll spread the word, and maybe the author of Evil Monster Hunting Academy will contact me and say ‘woah, your fanfic was great, I made a character based on you!’ and then I’ll get to cameo in the next movie and meet the hottie who plays Chad Angel. And Melbourne’s fine conveyancing made it all happen.
I asked my readers last week what kind of skill YOU’D like to have around the home. Nobody actually reads my blog, so there weren’t any replies. However the stress of being totally alone all the time has steadily driven me mad, so I’m perfectly capable of pretending that I had loads of responses.
The winner was plumbing, of course. Nobody likes it when the hot water runs out, stops working, becomes busted or is just too darn hot. That last one is often neglected, but it’s been estimated that around 10% of Melbourne emergency plumber callouts are due to people who run their hand under the tap and are burned and need someone to fix the tap so it just produces pleasantly warm water. Who wants their tap to spew forth boiling water, anyway? That’s what a kettle is for, or a saucepan on the stove if you’re just that medieval.
And then what if your cold water breaks down and you can only get hot stuff? Say it’s the summer, you’re sweltering without air conditioning and you just need a glass of cold water. Too ad you didn’t get that fixed while it was still winter and/or autumn! Now you’re stuck filling up a glass with hot water and putting it in the fridge, in the hopes that you’ll be saved from this plight. But then you have to wait about half an hour before that water reaches room temperature, so no luck there. Oh, what a sad situation.
If you’d trained as a plumber you could fix all of this yourself, and feel like an expert while doing it. You’d be the pride of the neighbourhood as you go from place to place, fixing their water services for a reasonable fee, just like an actual plumber. Except you WOULD be a plumber. Melbourne needs more plumbers, I think. I haven’t had hot water for seven months.
How does a person get better at laser hair removal? I’d better find out quick…there’s an excellent job going and I’d like to make it mine! They’re calling is a ‘Competitive Interview’, which is a new one for me, but whatever works for them. In any case, Lawrence Corp is opening a beauty treatment business here in Bendigo. Laser hair removal is still around here, of course, but this is Lawrence Corp we’re talking about here. They’re basically technology rock stars! Everyone is using the Lawrence-Mobile network on their Lawrence Mobile phones. The only smartphone on the market that has an ‘extreme sass’ setting. Mine is called Paprika and I’ve set it up so she knows when I get into a car and starts insulting my driving. So much fun!
Anyway…beauty. There are jobs going at the new salon and I am pumped. Interviewees have to go through a complex procedure in front of a panel of judges, after which there’s another complex procedure in front of a panel of judges that tests something completely different. It’s a wonder they’re not televising the entire thing. The only problem is that I have no way to practice, what with me having sub-par equipment and no subjects. My brother already gave me a straight no, and Mum and Dad said I’m not allowed to practice on the dog. It’s not like the job involves giving laser hair removal and cosmetic tattooing to animals anyway, so it wouldn’t help me all that much to practice on Kiki.
Nope, I’ll be needing some sort of live subject. Maybe I can go along to one of the local salons and beauty parlours, book an appointment for three hours from then and just…sit there in the waiting chair. Watching. Learning. Getting to know the ways of Bendigo cosmetic tattooing and eyebrow maintenance.
Heck, I don’t even need this job; it’s just the competitive spirit in me! My practice will come to something, at some point. Everyone needs hair removal…
You know how sometimes you love a movie director, and then you’re forced to reconsider your devotion when they constantly let you down? It sucks, so much…but hey, everyone has their time at the top. There’s a new Yaival DuMesque flick coming out soon, so the way I see it, this is his final chance. The trailer looks fantastic, but…the last two movies he put out had brilliant trailers as well, and look how THEY turned out.
Knifey-Spooney really wasn’t so bad in parts. I liked how it properly represented Australian culture, which is impressive since the guy himself isn’t even Australian. But that last one, Lipstick? Just terrible. I have a sister who works around Melbourne doing lip fillers and all kinds of beauty stuff like that, and she said he got the whole industry totally wrong. Okay, you probably didn’t see it because the reviews were terrible, but without spoiling anything: it’s the future, 2070 or something. Trends have come and gone, flying cars are a thing and Luxembourg is the new world superpower because they have the fastest internet. Meanwhile, in New Melbourne (the old one fell victim to a planned demolition, because people wanted hard-light skyscrapers like in Mumbai and there was a rat-scorpion infestation in the CBD anyway), beauticians have become the new rock stars. Social media is the new dominant force of culture…so, kind of like now, but even more so, so naturally looking your best is considered the pinnacle of achievement. So where does that leave people in Melbourne and surrounding areas doing cosmetic tattooing, lip fillers, anti wrinkle injections and all of that stuff? The most sought after people in society. They’re invited to premieres, museum openings, on talk shows all the time, selling biographies…and don’t get me wrong, that’s not the part I have a problem with.
No, the whole plot about a giant scorpion rat (not the same thing as a rat-scorpion) really distracted from the characters in the climax. It’s like DuMesque has run out of ways to end his movies, and just goes full typical Hollywood. It’s a shame. Interesting prediction of the future, though. And hey, social media really is everything. Let’s see if Melbourne’s anti-wrinkle treatments take off!
I have had it with this job. Being an apprentice builder is hard work. My boss treats me like a glorified servant, I have to get up early every day, and I get paid a pittance. Oh, and now a bunch of my tools have been stolen. My boss has been on my back to get one of those aluminium toolboxes, you know the lock-up contraptions that have all these little compartments for your tools. Well I kept putting off calling the people that make custom toolboxes, I get terrible anxiety with making phone calls. I thought everything would be fine in the back of my ute. We were working at the top end of town where prices for the shonkiest shacks run in the millions. I thought the fine people of this very posh suburb earn so much at their cushy office jobs that they would not need to take my tools. What would you know, they did. I was working on the roof when I spotted a woman in a business suit totter over to my ute. I watched as she grabbed my most expensive kit, not believing that this was happening in front of my very eyes.
When I had the presence of mind to yell at her to drop my stuff, she simply ran with it. What was I going to do about it? I was stuck on the roof I have no idea how she ran so fast in those towering heels, but she was long gone by the time I sprinted down the ladder. Now I’m hundreds of dollars out, and what’s worse is my boss is mad that I stopped working for one minute to chase her. I’ll definitely look into getting one of those aluminium trays, Melbourne people are nothing but thieves.
Yesterday was Tony and Violet’s wedding, and how wonderful it was! First they poured sand into a mug crafted from oak and elderberries, then mixed it with mead from their native Scandanavia and drank to the health of their ancestors and also the health of the Earth. And then…a dance in honour of Mother Gaea and all she provides for us, performed by me of course.
It went on for seventeen minutes with my dear companion making bird mating calls from the congregation, so I think we achieved our goal of insulting Tony’s parents to the extreme. See, Tony and Violet are from two very different families. Violet’s mother is involved in the Melbourne arborist business, which may sound strange to you since she and I are such good friends. Why, Violet was even allowed into the Great Mother Gaea Appreciation Society! With such a disgusting heritage? But no, her legacy is one of removing trees that are failing, those anchored into the ground against their will, suffering and dying with no one caring about their plight. She also does tree pruning, so whatever. In Gaea terms that’s basically a tree hairdresser.
But Tony’s parents? They own a logging company. Excuse me, I feel nauseous all of a sudden.
Hmm, yes, anyway…they do logging off in some foreign, innocent land, so Violet and the gang hatched up a perfect wedding to try to change their hearts. First there was the chalice, then the dancing, then we created effigies of our departed loved ones, called down the Earth Mother to infuse them with her spirit and burned them. The escaping fumes would be the fuel for Tony and Violet’s love, forever and ever.
Of course Violet pulled some strings in the top-class Melbourne tree pruning industry and had perfect likenesses of her and her new husband pruned out of deceased trees, who we tossed over a waterfall to symbolise the flowing current of their love. All-in-all, I think it was pretty convincing.
Getting stuck in the sewers really gives you some time to think. I’d really call it quality time, and perhaps this should be more of a thing. I know I fell in there like an idiot and couldn’t get out because of my stubby little arms that need some more time at the gym, but actually, seriously, hear me out. I had to wait until morning, and I had many profound thoughts.
Like, imagine all of Melbourne’s sewer repair people, doing their thing and having these great thoughts all the time, though maybe they’re hard at work and it’s not the same for them. There’s just something about the sewer that represents perfect desolation, like being in space but a bit lower than usual instead of higher.
What I’m trying to say is that, in the end, I shouldn’t be embarrassed about falling into the sewer, because it really was a learning experience for us all, or maybe just me. You could almost say that it was GOOD thing that I fell in, spent sixteen hours wandering around in the dark and thinking great thoughts about drain repair and how much it really smells down there. I could give sewer tours, where nobody talks and we just enjoy the quiet. I’m not embarrassed, clearly, not at all. For one thing, I got all my Christmas shopping done…in my head. All that time to think, and I now know exactly what to get everyone I know, even the people I don’t like who won’t be getting a present anyway. How much stress is that off my mind? A lot! It’d be a lot off anyone’s mind!
So, the sewer. A wonderful place of profound thought. In fact, when the nice Melbourne drainage contractors found me wandering down there, covered in much, exhausted and pathetic, I almost didn’t want to come out. One day I’ll return. Not for a few years, though…but I totally will. You could almost say I meant to fall down there, and it’d almost be true. How about that?