Basking in Hyperbarics

I can’t believe that I won the Victorian election, and I only won because I faked my Bachelor of Evil Science. I have enjoyed my career as an evil scientist, but now I enter into a job far eviler, in a sphere so horrible, so terrible, that people will forever fear the name of Dr Dark McBane. Or should I say, Premier Dr Dark McBane! Maybe it’s just Premier McBane? Especially since people now know that I’m not a real evil doctor. Not that I ever claimed to be. I never told anybody that I had completed, or even started, a PhD. I just put the Dr in my name to make it sound more menacing. Anyway, I am now a politician! So deviously evil!

Today I’m basking in the glory of my victory, using the premier’s private hyperbaric chamber. You know, I actually considered studying hyperbaric medicine around Melbourne at an actual university. That was just before the Supervillain Training Academy opened up. In fact, if I hadn’t taken a gap year after year twelve, perhaps I would have legitimately studied hyperbarics, and then I wouldn’t be where I am now, in the premier’s office, would I? It’s funny how life works like that. I get to use my own private hyperbaric chamber because I chose not to study hyperbarics.

I wonder what my first move as Premier of Victoria should be. Obviously, I need to have Norris arrested for all of his previous crimes while in office. But then again, I’m not sure what Norris’s first name is. Chuck? No, that’s the name of the reporter that keeps begging me for an autograph. Maybe it’s Frank. It’s probably Frank.

Alright, so after my hyperbaric session, I’m going to have Frank Norris arrested for crimes against Victoria. People will be so happy to finally see that man behind bars. He’s been a plague on this state for years now. This is the single most important thing I will do while in office.

Oh, and then there’s that whole giving sentient cars and air conditioners the right to vote. I guess that’s kind of important, too.