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A window closes, another window opens

timber window installationYou have no doubt heard the expression “when a door closes, a window opens”. What you probably do not know is that this expression derives from an ancient greek teaching. The original saying roughly translates to “as one window closes, another must open”.

This week I made friends with a man looking to obtain window replacements in Melbourne. He is engaged in the business of what they call house flipping; he buys an old home, gives it a fresh lick of paint and some other cosmetic enhancements, and sells it for a lavish profit. He tells me that replacing the windows of an older home greatly increases how much he can sell the house for.

We got talking about the aforementioned expression; he thought the saying about doors and windows was apt for his house flipping business. I had to laugh at his naivety. The expression’s meaning has shifted so far from its original purpose. 

I explained to my dear new friend that this expression is not as inspirational as he thought. The actual meaning in Greek refers to the problems of stealing we had, many centuries ago, before we became a peace-loving country. As one window of the house closes, with the inhabitants of the house defending themselves against a burglar, another window around the other side of the house is opened by another burglar. Often the second burglar would be working in cahoots with the first, and they would split their spoils. Greece has a dark past from which we can learn many lessons of the ugly side of human nature.
My new friend enjoyed hearing about the origin of his favourite saying. And to think, I would never have shared this knowledge with him if he was not asking me if I knew any timber window installers in Melbourne!

Don’t Ask Me to do Plumbing

blocked drainsI’ve always liked building, which I think is why people automatically assume I can do pretty much anything. I can’t, obviously…if you want me to build a shelf, or a shed, or maybe an igloo if times are really hard, but my skills stop at building. I don’t do electrical work, I can’t fix your broken hard drive and I especially hate plumbing. Had a few plumbing friends back when I was an apprentice, and I can tell you that it’s definitely not the life for me. Picked up a few skills from them, but nothing that would qualify my for doing any of their work, despite everyone thinking that I can do it.

I guess that’s a general curse of people who are good with their hands. If you can do one thing, you can do it all, right? Everything is just that intuitive. Nope. I didn’t become a plumber because I know what lies beneath the blocked drains in Melbourne and I’d rather do my work outdoors where you know the materials you’re working with. Plumbers also get called in for jobs at all hours. My mate Darren is an emergency plumbers, exclusively. He works the night shift and has for the last three years, because…I don’t know. He’s mad and doesn’t really need much sleep. Plus he doesn’t have that many friends, but I’m not sure if that’s a chicken or egg thing. If I worked night shifts unblocking drains and slept through the entire day, I’m not sure how many friends I’d have at the end of it all.

See, building work is reliable in terms of hours. No one wants building work to be done after hours when you’re at home, trying to sleep or get on with your life. Building work might start early, but it finishes on time or people start complaining. I guess Darren has to sleep through that, come to think of it.

So yeah. Could’ve been a plumber in Melbourne, maybe. Chose against it because I like to sleep. I don’t have the stern stuff to do plumbing 24 hours…

-Darryl

Aussies and their Metal Scaffolding

aluminium platformHey Mom and Dad,

Well, Australia is pretty much what we all thought it was going to be. I mean, there aren’t as many kangaroos around the streets, but otherwise, people are pretty much like they are back in Mississippi; real laid back, not all that concerned about time and stuff. I even took a bit of a trip to the country, and it’s even more like back home. Loads of dirt roads and people saying hi to each other on the street.

Though I guess some things are more modern than I was expecting, like…okay, get this. I told the agency that I was pretty handy with a paintbrush, so they got me working in a firm that did house painting and stuff. Back in Jackson, if we were doing a job like that you’d get the wooden scaffolding out and whatever. In Australia, aluminium platforms are basically everywhere. I made sure to ask if this was a thing, and the guys looked at me weird when I said I’d only ever used wooden material. Like, I just thought that was a painting staple. You paint on top of wooden platforms, and you can sort of collect mementos of all the jobs you do after there’s a bit of spillage. Nope, they said…it’s all about metal nowadays. Might even be some law to do with what stuff you use.

And I guess that makes sense, because that stuff is lighter than you’d believe. Dad, you remember when Uncle Shaun came over and we cleared out all the gutters since the wildfires were on the egde of the property and we didn’t want to place to burn down? And how you nearly put your back out carrying all his ladders to and from the truck? These aluminium ladders weigh nothing. Feels like standing on air.

I know I’m droning on, but the planks and trestles here are like something out of a sci-fi. Apart from that, most things are the same. Weird animals, though.

-Trae

Talkin’ Bait Boards with Jim

bait boardsFishing trips can be fun. Fishing competitions? I really don’t see the point. The entire thing about fishing is that you have to relax, go with the flow and not work all that hard unless you’re reeling in a shark. I try not to reel in sharks, so that leaves my fishing trips pretty chill.

So why did I let Pete talk me into Victoria’s largest fishing competition? Guess he works pretty high up in sales, so he can talk anyone into anything, really. Still, can’t believe I’m sacrificing a weekend of good, private fishing for some mass event where everyone is an expert in installing bait boards and nothing less than a two-metre whopper will count for anything. Most of the ones I catch are tiddlers that have to be thrown back, and you know what? I’m okay with that.

Heck, I don’t even OWN a boat; I wouldn’t be able to get myself into this competition at all if Pete wasn’t teaming up with me. He’s got the latest bit of equipment, of course…he actually takes fishing pretty seriously, unlike me. Got all the trophies, got the shiny boat, all the fishing buddies who all seem to have the same name. Like, you would not BELIEVE how many people who like fishing are called Jim. It’s got to be at least 50% of the fishing community. Pete is always going fishing with some guy called Jim, and if he’s not available then it’s the other Jim, or Jim’s friend Jim.

So I guess the guys who sell snapper racks have a solid system upon which to base their sales strategy. A guy comes into your shop looking for plate alloy boats, and his name is Jim? He probably needs your plate alloy boat best suited for fishing.

That’s my entire Saturday now: hanging out in a bunch of boats with really competitive people. And most of them are called Jim.

-Tim

Meet Melbourne’s Newest Anchor Winch Folks?

marine trailer repairI was cleaning tables at a local café. Today, I’m learning how to tie sailing knots. It’s funny how life works out, I guess. Not that I disliked my job, or anything. I was about to do a barista course and learn how to make the perfect foamy cappuccino, but I guess this is good too.

Yeah, anyway…site where you’re supposed to share your experiences and get advice and whatnot. My Uncle wants to start a business, doing…I don’t know, something to do with marine trailer repair. And Mum said ‘hey, why don’t you quit that café job and go and do that, because it’s a career and family and stuff’. I forget exactly what she said. Then Dad chimes in and says that it’d be a great opportunity for me to get some sea air, since I spend too much time in my room.

I guess I do spend a lot of time in my room, but it’s important stuff. I just sank to bronze ranking on Over-Botch, which means I’m one of the worst players in the game, which means I’m one of the BEST players in the game because that’s how it works. And then yesterday I had my first day on the job. Bit of a klutz, and I don’t even think my Uncle knows one end of a ship from the other. He’s a real opportunist type, always starting new businesses and then when they tank, he comes to family gatherings and says it’s because ‘the niche closed’ and it was all according to plan. Yeah, sure. Everyone’s just swallowing that.

Last year it was selling juice machines that also had a deep-fryer function: ‘for fitness nuts who need more cheat days than most’. I like juice, I like deep-fried things, so I didn’t think it was a bad idea. I think he sold, like, five in the end.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure Melbourne anchor winch and whatever services are already covered. There are loads of people here at the docks who seem to know what they’re doing way more than us. But thanks, parents…thanks for tying me to a terrible business from the start. It’s really great family bonding time.

-Ryan

Conference Woes

conference venue VictoriaWorst. Conference. Ever.

Nice conference venue, surroundings were nice and the food was okay. Terrible speaker, though.

Maybe I’m a traditionalist, having been in the office game for a few decades, but I miss the old days when you could go to one of Victoria’s conference venues and actually learn something. This one had too much meditating, writing down your goals on a piece of paper and talking. We did SO much talking, to the person next to us, to somehow we hadn’t yet met, to a person who had the same birthday as us (and trust me, just because Jan and I were both born on August 19th does NOT mean we’re fast friends).

What’s wrong with a good trust fall? It’s a flawless way to tell which of your co-workers are good people, and which of them would stab you in the back to get to the last bit of coffee in the percolator. You think I’m joking, but for you, I have two words: Sally Edgerton. My second job working for the electronics firm. This was back in the day when companies sending off their employees to a conference centre was still a bit hip and edgy instead of standard practice. Sally came along, and grumbled the entire way because she sat at the desk, answered phone calls and didn’t have anything to do with the rest of us. You’d think it was because her job didn’t involve much teamwork, but she was just generally a cantankerous old bat.

Anyway, when it came to the trust falls, she jumped back at the last moment because she thought she’d mess up her nails. And one morning, she actually thrust out her foot and tripped me so I wouldn’t make it to the coffee jug, then used to confusion to steal some for herself.

Co-workers can be terrifying, which is why you need hard and straight methods of sussing out the bad eggs instead of…whatever that was.

At least we got those days off. Got myself a swanky Great Ocean Road hotel, had myself a good time. So at least I came back to work refreshed.

-Clive

Hot Water, Cold Water…No Water

plumberI asked my readers last week what kind of skill YOU’D like to have around the home. Nobody actually reads my blog, so there weren’t any replies. However the stress of being totally alone all the time has steadily driven me mad, so I’m perfectly capable of pretending that I had loads of responses.

The winner was plumbing, of course. Nobody likes it when the hot water runs out, stops working, becomes busted or is just too darn hot. That last one is often neglected, but it’s been estimated that around 10% of Melbourne emergency plumber callouts are due to people who run their hand under the tap and are burned and need someone to fix the tap so it just produces pleasantly warm water. Who wants their tap to spew forth boiling water, anyway? That’s what a kettle is for, or a saucepan on the stove if you’re just that medieval.

And then what if your cold water breaks down and you can only get hot stuff? Say it’s the summer, you’re sweltering without air conditioning and you just need a glass of cold water. Too ad you didn’t get that fixed while it was still winter and/or autumn! Now you’re stuck filling up a glass with hot water and putting it in the fridge, in the hopes that you’ll be saved from this plight. But then you have to wait about half an hour before that water reaches room temperature, so no luck there. Oh, what a sad situation.

If you’d trained as a plumber you could fix all of this yourself, and feel like an expert while doing it. You’d be the pride of the neighbourhood as you go from place to place, fixing their water services for a reasonable fee, just like an actual plumber. Except you WOULD be a plumber. Melbourne needs more plumbers, I think. I haven’t had hot water for seven months.

-Archibald

The Very Best Laser Hair Removal…Person

How does a person get better at laser hair removal? I’d better find out quick…there’s an excellent job going and I’d like to make it mine! They’re calling is a ‘Competitive Interview’, which is a new one for me, but whatever works for them. In any case, Lawrence Corp is opening a beauty treatment business here in Bendigo. Laser hair removal is still around here, of course, but this is Lawrence Corp we’re talking about here. They’re basically technology rock stars! Everyone is using the Lawrence-Mobile network on their Lawrence Mobile phones. The only smartphone on the market that has an ‘extreme sass’ setting. Mine is called Paprika and I’ve set it up so she knows when I get into a car and starts insulting my driving. So much fun!

Anyway…beauty. There are jobs going at the new salon and I am pumped. Interviewees have to go through a complex procedure in front of a panel of judges, after which there’s another complex procedure in front of a panel of judges that tests something completely different. It’s a wonder they’re not televising the entire thing. The only problem is that I have no way to practice, what with me having sub-par equipment and no subjects. My brother already gave me a straight no, and Mum and Dad said I’m not allowed to practice on the dog. It’s not like the job involves giving laser hair removal and cosmetic tattooing to animals anyway, so it wouldn’t help me all that much to practice on Kiki.

Nope, I’ll be needing some sort of live subject. Maybe I can go along to one of the local salons and beauty parlours, book an appointment for three hours from then and just…sit there in the waiting chair. Watching. Learning. Getting to know the ways of Bendigo cosmetic tattooing and eyebrow maintenance.

Heck, I don’t even need this job; it’s just the competitive spirit in me! My practice will come to something, at some point. Everyone needs hair removal…

-Deirdre

Anti Wrinkle Treatments, on Film

lip fillers MelbourneYou know how sometimes you love a movie director, and then you’re forced to reconsider your devotion when they constantly let you down? It sucks, so much…but hey, everyone has their time at the top. There’s a new Yaival DuMesque flick coming out soon, so the way I see it, this is his final chance. The trailer looks fantastic, but…the last two movies he put out had brilliant trailers as well, and look how THEY turned out.

Knifey-Spooney really wasn’t so bad in parts. I liked how it properly represented Australian culture, which is impressive since the guy himself isn’t even Australian. But that last one, Lipstick? Just terrible. I have a sister who works around Melbourne doing lip fillers and all kinds of beauty stuff like that, and she said he got the whole industry totally wrong. Okay, you probably didn’t see it because the reviews were terrible, but without spoiling anything: it’s the future, 2070 or something. Trends have come and gone, flying cars are a thing and Luxembourg is the new world superpower because they have the fastest internet. Meanwhile, in New Melbourne (the old one fell victim to a planned demolition, because people wanted hard-light skyscrapers like in Mumbai and there was a rat-scorpion infestation in the CBD anyway), beauticians have become the new rock stars. Social media is the new dominant force of culture…so, kind of like now, but even more so, so naturally looking your best is considered the pinnacle of achievement. So where does that leave people in Melbourne and surrounding areas doing cosmetic tattooing, lip fillers, anti wrinkle injections and all of that stuff? The most sought after people in society. They’re invited to premieres, museum openings, on talk shows all the time, selling biographies…and don’t get me wrong, that’s not the part I have a problem with.

No, the whole plot about a giant scorpion rat (not the same thing as a rat-scorpion) really distracted from the characters in the climax. It’s like DuMesque has run out of ways to end his movies, and just goes full typical Hollywood. It’s a shame. Interesting prediction of the future, though. And hey, social media really is everything. Let’s see if Melbourne’s anti-wrinkle treatments take off!

-Andrew

Wish I had a secure toolbox

aluminium platformsI have had it with this job. Being an apprentice builder is hard work. My boss treats me like a glorified servant, I have to get up early every day, and I get paid a pittance. Oh, and now a bunch of my tools have been stolen. My boss has been on my back to get one of those aluminium toolboxes, you know the lock-up contraptions that have all these little compartments for your tools. Well I kept putting off calling the people that make custom toolboxes, I get terrible anxiety with making phone calls. I thought everything would be fine in the back of my ute. We were working at the top end of town where prices for the shonkiest shacks run in the millions. I thought the fine people of this very posh suburb earn so much at their cushy office jobs that they would not need to take my tools. What would you know, they did. I was working on the roof when I spotted a woman in a business suit totter over to my ute. I watched as she grabbed my most expensive kit, not believing that this was happening in front of my very eyes.

When I had the presence of mind to yell at her to drop my stuff, she simply ran with it. What was I going to do about it? I was stuck on the roof I have no idea how she ran so fast in those towering heels, but she was long gone by the time I sprinted down the ladder. Now I’m hundreds of dollars out, and what’s worse is my boss is mad that I stopped working for one minute to chase her.  I’ll definitely look into getting one of those aluminium trays, Melbourne people are nothing but thieves.