Month: December 2020

Bandit Returns!

Breaking news! Literally, breaking news. In a series of attacks, it seems the Glass Smashing Bandit has returned to Melbourne, breaking glass balustrades everywhere. This is Chuck Fiddlesticks from Channel 17, bringing you the latest news across Melbourne.

After months of Melbourne being free from this menace, it seems the infamous bandit is at it again. While he had previously enjoyed an appearance on Australia’s Next Top Office, which gave him immunity for his many crimes, it is clear that old habits die hard for this bad boy. When will he learn his lesson?

I’m live on the scene, exactly where the first of the glass balustrades around Melbourne was smashed. Store owner Terry Peanutbutter (yes, that is his actual name – I even saw his birth certificate) has given comment regarding what happened last night. “Well, I was sitting on my couch at the top of my shop, watching reruns of Fun and the City, when I heard this loud smashing of glass. I went to the window, and I swear I saw him running away. It was the Glass Smashing Bandit!”

When asked what he was planning on doing next, Terry said: “I dunno. I suppose I should get some commercial glazing, so that I can get the balustrade fixed.”

A wise course of action, if you ask this reporter. Everyone in Melbourne should be on the lookout for the Glass Smashing Bandit. If you need to know what he looks like, just rewatch Australia’s Next Top Office season two.

Apparently, detectives Schlock Homes and Jon Whatson are on the case, having captured the Glass Smashing Bandit once before. Will they bring this menace to society to justice? We can only hope so.

“We’re the best in the business,” Schlock Homes said to Channel 17. “Using our professional detective skills, we have been able to work out which suburb Bandit lives in. Now it’s just a matter of going door to door until we find him. Easy.”

Basking in Hyperbarics

I can’t believe that I won the Victorian election, and I only won because I faked my Bachelor of Evil Science. I have enjoyed my career as an evil scientist, but now I enter into a job far eviler, in a sphere so horrible, so terrible, that people will forever fear the name of Dr Dark McBane. Or should I say, Premier Dr Dark McBane! Maybe it’s just Premier McBane? Especially since people now know that I’m not a real evil doctor. Not that I ever claimed to be. I never told anybody that I had completed, or even started, a PhD. I just put the Dr in my name to make it sound more menacing. Anyway, I am now a politician! So deviously evil!

Today I’m basking in the glory of my victory, using the premier’s private hyperbaric chamber. You know, I actually considered studying hyperbaric medicine around Melbourne at an actual university. That was just before the Supervillain Training Academy opened up. In fact, if I hadn’t taken a gap year after year twelve, perhaps I would have legitimately studied hyperbarics, and then I wouldn’t be where I am now, in the premier’s office, would I? It’s funny how life works like that. I get to use my own private hyperbaric chamber because I chose not to study hyperbarics.

I wonder what my first move as Premier of Victoria should be. Obviously, I need to have Norris arrested for all of his previous crimes while in office. But then again, I’m not sure what Norris’s first name is. Chuck? No, that’s the name of the reporter that keeps begging me for an autograph. Maybe it’s Frank. It’s probably Frank.

Alright, so after my hyperbaric session, I’m going to have Frank Norris arrested for crimes against Victoria. People will be so happy to finally see that man behind bars. He’s been a plague on this state for years now. This is the single most important thing I will do while in office.

Oh, and then there’s that whole giving sentient cars and air conditioners the right to vote. I guess that’s kind of important, too.

Leaving the Concord?

Something terrible has happened. Jemaine is thinking about quitting the band! I don’t know how he could even consider something so terrible when Concord Flight is about to take off like a private aeroplane on its way back to New Zealand. But apparently, Jemaine is thinking about getting into film making or something. He says he has this great idea for a movie about vampires in New Zealand. Now, I love New Zealand, but vampires? I don’t know, I’m not sure the world is ready for a movie about vampires in New Zealand. It’s certainly not worth quitting the band for.

I think this is because we haven’t gotten the window tinting done yet. Greg is still spying on our meetings, and that is probably making Jemaine uncomfortable. It’s not acceptable, but I can’t fire Greg because he technically isn’t doing anything wrong, and I can’t get window tinting done because I can’t pay in Australian money. It’s a complicated situation, but I’m working on it. All I need is for Bret and Jemaine to be patient. Commercial window tinting near the Melbourne CBD is surprisingly hard to find, especially when it’s for the New Zealand Consulate!

I asked Jemaine who he would even get to act in his vampire movie. He said that he would play the starring role! That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I love Jemaine, but he’s no actor. Heck, he barely has any stage presence in the band! How is he supposed to bring life to the character of a New Zealand vampire? I don’t think he’ll be able to pull it off. People will probably think he’s supposed to be a zombie instead. But I can’t stop Jemaine if his heart is really set on leaving the band to make this movie. I think he’s being a fool, though. He’s being just as foolish as an Australian. Maybe if I tell him that, it will really sink in.

– Murray

Joyous Kitchen

This past weekend I faced a terrible dilemma. My best friend hosted a massive party out in the countryside for her twenty fifth birthday but my parents were away so I had no-one to take care of my cat. Normally when I need to go away for the weekend I drop the cat off with my parents but this time I had to leave her in the house. I returned to find my kitchen in absolute pieces. She had someone turned the tap on in the sink and flooded the room. The cabinets were completely scratched to pieces and she had even managed to crack a few backsplash tiles! 

After trying to do a bit of a DIY to make it look presentable again I decided it was time to invest in a whole new kitchen. I had been wanting to do some renovations anyway because I am thinking about selling soon and a few of the rooms need a bit of an update. I did some research into kitchen renovators in Melbourne and found a pretty good kitchen design and construction company not too far from me. It doesn’t need to be too fancy but I figured now was as good a time as any to get a fresh look in there, my cat obviously thinks it’s necessary. I met with the kitchen design company in Melbourne and made plans for a construction timeline. It’s not a massive kitchen so it looks like it can all be done in about two weeks, and the best thing is the renovators consult on the design and see it through right to the first flush of the new sink. The benchtops are going to black marble. I will definitely be keeping my cat out of the kitchen and she will be attending any weekends away from now on if my parents can take her.